I Am Back, With A Vengeance

I have, in my darkest hours (& there have been several these past two weeks) prayed for grace, strength and clarity. None of it seemed to come my way. The reality of our situation and the heaviness of the work we are doing caught up with me. The honeymoon was over. I have wanted to run away from it all. I have cursed my circumstances more than I care to admit & I feel ashamed. My well was running dry & I feared I had nothing left to give.

Our already intense situation was compiled with an unexpected wrist surgery for me, Hayden coming down with strep so intense that it set him into severe processing every day & set our treatment back approximately three weeks. We have also been dealing with an abhorrent bullying situation at school that has put my son into a very fragile and timid state. For anyone who knows Hayden that is completely opposite of his charming, outgoing, confident ways. My middle daughter has been feigning stomaches to get attention (I don't blame that sweet angel).

So many balls in the air and too much for this mama to juggle alone. Everything came crashing down and I felt utterly helpless, scared and defeated. Going home seemed like the only option.

Until yesterday afternoon when something shifted in me & the fierce, unstoppable Amanda that I have relied on all my life was back ~ and with a vengeance. I owe it to my children to pick myself up by my boot straps and get back in the saddle. And that is exactly what I have done.

I refuse to let our situation & the stress that is inherent in this type of process get in the way of our goal. Healing Hayden and nurturing all my kiddos and their unique needs along the way is what I must stay focused on. They are counting on me & I will not let my babies down.

Our energy healer says that sometimes this treatment, like anything in life, must sometimes go backwards a few steps to grow and then move forward. That has been very true for me this past week as well. I have stumbled and gone to places of barely recognizing myself. But all that really matters is not only that I came back (as his treatment is starting too) but I came back with a strength deeper and more anchored than before. And if falling into a desperate place is what it took than I am grateful for the opportunity to have fallen.

Amanda

"Let me not pray to be sheltered from dangers, but to be fearless in facing them. Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain, but for the heart to conquer it." Rabindranath Tagore

Too Weary For Words Today

8 Months and Counting

We have officially started our countdown ~ 8 months & we head back to Colorado! Home to all our comforts. Our house, our wonderful friends, our amazing community, our neighborhood school, the beautiful mountains that I see every night in my dreams. I can't wait to have good hair again, this humidity is killing my tresses. I miss the near constant sunshine, the happy, positive people. The wide open spaces and next to no traffic are things I will never again take for granted.

I have been tentative to talk timelines with the kids until recently. My sweet husband and I have decided that regardless of where we are in the treatment, come June 24th (end of the school year) we head home. I talked to our good dr. about this and with treatments twice per week, she feels quite confident that we will be almost finished. Almost being the operative word. So I have asked her in an effort to make completion more realistic can we move a bit quicker on upping the values. We are proceeding faster than before and I pray it does not backfire on us, so far so good.

Just knowing there is a light at the end of this tunnel makes the daily task at hand more bearable. We are also planning a family cruise to celebrate all the hard work that happened while we were here. When asked how he wanted to celebrate Hayden exclaimed, "A cruise, with all kinds of food that I can have!" And so we muscle through each day knowing the benefits will last a lifetime.

Amanda

"People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are. I don't believe in circumstances. The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and, if they can't find them, make them." ~G.B. Shaw