194 Days & Counting!!!!

As this year is coming to a close I could not help but notice that we have less time here in Massachusetts than we have already put in! We have been here 195 days & we only have 194 left!

Part of me is elated that we are half way through & cannot believe the progress we have made. Hayden is eating eggs every day ~ scrambled, hard boiled, baked in cookies, brownies, pancakes, taffy, meringues, and every other possible way we can think of.

He is also beginning his mornings with yogurt smoothies as his dairy dose is ever increasing to the point it was too much yogurt to eat in one sitting, so we plop it in the blender with some fresh fruit and he loves every last bit of it!

Hayden is just arriving at a full serving of wheat and must eat 3 servings per day. I have never seen a child so excited to eat pretzels every day. He is also enjoying whole wheat pasta and bread. Today I roamed the aisles of Whole Foods filling my cart with new wheat products for him to have. It was the most bizarre experience for me & I most certainly looked as if I had never shopped before. I stood in the cracker aisle with my eyes glazed over, unsure which crackers to pick. I mean after all I want him to love them. I grabbed so many items, read the ingredients, placed them in my cart & then back on the shelves, then back in my cart again. Is this really happening? Am I really taking wheat home for my son to eat? Everything about it felt so foreign. After-all, for the past ten years I had become the Whole Foods master of the gluten free products. I could walk through blindfolded and know where every single item was. I had been doing so for a decade.

We started introducing peanut two weeks ago and as the serving size slowly increases, you should see the look of pure excitement as Hayden tastes the peanut butter in his mouth. He is overcome with happiness and cannot wait to eat as much as he wants someday soon.

Sesame has been our trickiest of all the foods. We have been working on it for months and with continued mouth swelling, vomiting and tightness in the throat we have decided to keep the dose VERY minute, but still give it every day. Hayden no longer reacts to it, but we will not increase it until we have finished dairy. I do not want to overload his immune system. Knowing we are on a time frame to be out of here, I wanted to prioritize and felt that if Hayden still has sesame and tree nut allergies when we leave then those are easy enough to avoid if he needed to. Although, we have every intention of flying back and forth every two weeks to continue working with our healer until he is 100% allergy free. You don't start this intense process and quit before it's complete, at least I won't.

As for Hayden's broken wrist he is in a cast until Jan 6th. I am positive, with all of my heart this was an unanswered prayer. When Hayden went for his MRI I prayed that the images would be clear and we would be sent home to resume all activity. I was devastated to learn that it was in fact broke. "What? But he plays hockey, that's all he has right now, that's his everything."

I learned that time away from hockey has allowed my boy to have more time with his sisters, loving them and bonding with them in ways he could not if he was on the ice 4 nights per week. He has hugged me more in the past months than I can ever remember and we have laid together in my bed talking about life ~ something we could not do when he was getting home at 9 pm. each night. He is less tired, therefore less run down & I know this is a direct relation to how beautifully he has been dealing with all these foods. Even our healer says he is, at this rate, the fastest person to go through the process. Getting the cast off and returning to the ice will be bittersweet for me. I have learned to be thankful for the broken wrist, for it gave our family more than we could have ever received from hockey.

Amanda

"God's answers are wiser than our prayers." ~ Unknown

Lessons Learned

As we celebrated Thanksgiving last week in Atlanta with family I was overcome with just how much we have to be thankful for. This year, more than any before I truly appreciated and gave thanks for health. Last week a friend lost his

3 year battle with brain cancer and it brought me to my knees as I questioned why his children will grow up without him. I cannot make sense of why these things happen, other than to believe that death is a chance for the rest of us to appreciate life, to make changes for the better and to truly live in the moment.

This

is my m

oment to appreciate and honor all of my children.

As Maggie's language rapidly develops I am continually in awe of her resiliency

and determination. She is honestly THE happiest little girl I have ever encountered. She faces the world with

optimism & courage

every single da

y. You cannot be around Maggie without having a huge smile plastered on your face. She radiates when she smiles and it truly is contagious. As she hears herself talk, she will often stop and say, "I hear Maggie talking." She is practically overwhelmed by the sound of her own voice and the fact that others are understanding her now. She has taught me to never take my hearing for granted and to be joyful for even the smallest of triumphs.

Self-discipline, charm, integrity, silliness and confidence are the heart of my sweet Ava.

Whether she is on the soccer field, at gymnastics, playing piano, or on the theatre stage she

gives 110%

and always strives to do better. She loves to excel at everything and has a competitive flair that I must admit I love! Her heart is full of kindness and love whether she is teaching Maggie in he

r little school house, brushing the dogs or cleaning her room she does it with a happy heart. Despite desperately wanting to go home she never says it in front of her brother (only secretly to me) for fear of hurting his feelings. Ava teaches me everyday about loving more and worrying less. Her precious little voice is all I need to hear and I cannot help but be brought to the here and now. It is through her eyes that I see the beauty and magic

that this world has to offer.

My sweet boy Hayden, now ten-years-old is the most intuitive, compassionate and emotionally wise person I have ever met. He was born an old soul and has forever been the

best on giving advice to others. He is a natural born therapist! Hayden can carry on a conversation with

anyone, regardless of age or background. He particularly likes to sit next to a stranger on the plane and learn their e

ntire life story. He is fascinated by the workings of relationships and why people make the choices they do. He exudes charm and has a smile that lights up his entire face. His sense of humor and goofiness are at an all time high these days, even if I don't understand half of it. Hayden teaches me about saying what's in my heart, not what's on my mind. He forgives and loves with every ounce of his being. He is proof that healing can happen when your heart and mind are open.

I am thankful and honored for the opportunity to raise these sweet beings & to learn so much about myself along the way.

Amanda

"The soul is healed by being with children." ~ FYODOR DOSTOEVSKY

Is This For Real?

I guess God is really testing my strength.

My plate is more than full and I have slowly become the mom I always secretly judged. The mom who forgets things like her 4 year-old daughter's pumpkin for carving day at preschool or the mom who misplaced the field trip flyer and had to scramble to make it work out last minute. Or here is a good one the mom who never even knew there was an assembly that her second grade daughter was singing in & didn't show up. For those of you who really know me, you will agree this is not Amanda Hanson behavior, not in the least. But I have somehow been buried under this chaos and simply trying to make it through the days, obviously not doing the best job. We have had tears, frustrations and unmet expectations, but I choose to reflect on the lessons in humanity & forgiveness. Letting my children down has been extremely difficult for the perfectionist in me, but their love and understanding during these unusual circumstances triumphs.

Early last week we all agreed it was time to decompress and get away. So Monday night at 9 pm I was online booking tickets to Scottsdale. Fourteen hours later I was on the airplane with my kiddos (that included dropping our dogs off at the kennel at 7 am)! During the craze to pack & get out of here I wondered if it was the right decision. Well let me tell you, after the first hour of 90 degrees poolside I was certain I made the best decision! We laughed, played and reconnected in a way that we really needed. We even got to see Bryan the last two days, which is always a bonus! Hayden had zero processing while we were away & we were able to increase all of his foods. I really think the dryer climate suits him and I am certain the low stress level is a huge component in his progression forward. If only we could stay in vacation mode the for the remainder of our treatment time ~ I wish.

As we approached our last day the kids begged us to go bike riding after breakfast. My intuition was saying "no" because we bike weekly here. My kids are used to 15-20 mile rides on the Minuteman Trail by our townhouse, so why would we bike during our last day by the pool? The kids and my husband decided it would be fun & of course I went along as I did not want to be the stick in the mud. Oh how I wished I would have been. Four miles in my son is acting like a nut on his bike and swerving like crazy on the open path. I tell him firmly that he needs to stop because he is going to get hurt. Moments later I am somehow ahead of the family and I here screaming coming from behind. You guessed it, Mr Hayden decided to ignore my advice and wiped out, big time. Now here comes the low point (well one of them) in my mothering career. I turn around and go back, at this point Bryan is on the ground with him (the way a good parent should be) & I say "I told you to stop swerving, I knew this was going to happen." Oh yes, you can see it now. My husband looks at me like I am heartless & all I can muster up is, "You will be fine, get back on your bike and let's head back." I literally had to ride ahead because my compassion reserves were empty and I had nothing to give. Let Bryan handle this one. He is always telling me I need more time to myself, so I decided to take it, about 1/4 mile ahead of them all the way back.

The Hyatt proceeds to make a huge deal of our situation and next thing I know Bryan & Hayden are being escorted into a car and driven to the ER. "Are you serious, this is how we will be spending our last day at the resort? What about family time (that we so freakin desperately need) by the pool?" So the next four hours they sit in the ER & I sit poolside with my girls. Not what I had expected.

Hayden came home with inconclusive X-rays & a splint. Perfect. Now that means more appointments. Hell why not, it's not like I have anything better to do. Why not take Hayden out of school more often, it's not like the days he gets out already for his treatments aren't enough. Let's see just how far behind he can get in his studies. My sarcasm runs deep.

Today we were at Boston Children's to find out that he did in fact break his scaphoid. He will be in a cast for two weeks and then he will have an MRI done to see if he needs surgery. I am begging for all prayer warriors to pray that Hayden is healed and good to go in a few weeks without surgery. We literally cannot have another blow to his treatment. He is devastated that he is missing hockey every night and practically cried tonight because he NEEDS to be on the ice.

Just another week in the crazy Hanson household I suppose.

Amanda

I Am Back, With A Vengeance

I have, in my darkest hours (& there have been several these past two weeks) prayed for grace, strength and clarity. None of it seemed to come my way. The reality of our situation and the heaviness of the work we are doing caught up with me. The honeymoon was over. I have wanted to run away from it all. I have cursed my circumstances more than I care to admit & I feel ashamed. My well was running dry & I feared I had nothing left to give.

Our already intense situation was compiled with an unexpected wrist surgery for me, Hayden coming down with strep so intense that it set him into severe processing every day & set our treatment back approximately three weeks. We have also been dealing with an abhorrent bullying situation at school that has put my son into a very fragile and timid state. For anyone who knows Hayden that is completely opposite of his charming, outgoing, confident ways. My middle daughter has been feigning stomaches to get attention (I don't blame that sweet angel).

So many balls in the air and too much for this mama to juggle alone. Everything came crashing down and I felt utterly helpless, scared and defeated. Going home seemed like the only option.

Until yesterday afternoon when something shifted in me & the fierce, unstoppable Amanda that I have relied on all my life was back ~ and with a vengeance. I owe it to my children to pick myself up by my boot straps and get back in the saddle. And that is exactly what I have done.

I refuse to let our situation & the stress that is inherent in this type of process get in the way of our goal. Healing Hayden and nurturing all my kiddos and their unique needs along the way is what I must stay focused on. They are counting on me & I will not let my babies down.

Our energy healer says that sometimes this treatment, like anything in life, must sometimes go backwards a few steps to grow and then move forward. That has been very true for me this past week as well. I have stumbled and gone to places of barely recognizing myself. But all that really matters is not only that I came back (as his treatment is starting too) but I came back with a strength deeper and more anchored than before. And if falling into a desperate place is what it took than I am grateful for the opportunity to have fallen.

Amanda

"Let me not pray to be sheltered from dangers, but to be fearless in facing them. Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain, but for the heart to conquer it." Rabindranath Tagore

Too Weary For Words Today

8 Months and Counting

We have officially started our countdown ~ 8 months & we head back to Colorado! Home to all our comforts. Our house, our wonderful friends, our amazing community, our neighborhood school, the beautiful mountains that I see every night in my dreams. I can't wait to have good hair again, this humidity is killing my tresses. I miss the near constant sunshine, the happy, positive people. The wide open spaces and next to no traffic are things I will never again take for granted.

I have been tentative to talk timelines with the kids until recently. My sweet husband and I have decided that regardless of where we are in the treatment, come June 24th (end of the school year) we head home. I talked to our good dr. about this and with treatments twice per week, she feels quite confident that we will be almost finished. Almost being the operative word. So I have asked her in an effort to make completion more realistic can we move a bit quicker on upping the values. We are proceeding faster than before and I pray it does not backfire on us, so far so good.

Just knowing there is a light at the end of this tunnel makes the daily task at hand more bearable. We are also planning a family cruise to celebrate all the hard work that happened while we were here. When asked how he wanted to celebrate Hayden exclaimed, "A cruise, with all kinds of food that I can have!" And so we muscle through each day knowing the benefits will last a lifetime.

Amanda

"People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are. I don't believe in circumstances. The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and, if they can't find them, make them." ~G.B. Shaw

My Littlest One Gave Me the Greatest Gift

My sweet Maggie who is three weeks shy of turning four continues to be a source of continual inspiration for me. But today was different. Today I really got it... the message that God wanted me to get... the one I had been missing for way too long because I was so busy trying to get her "caught up."

Maggie has a profound hearing loss and has been wearing hearing aides for six months now. Up until her diagnosis I had her in speech therapy twice per week and worked endlessly with her. At age two her hearing tests came back fine and I assured myself that if I worked even more with her she would be okay. Maybe the 9.5 months of only hearing Spanish in Guatemala really was affecting her more than I realized. Maybe she was strong willed and did not want to talk. Maybe the rest of the family did all the talking for her, so she remained quiet. When my two-year-old was not speaking, I made every excuse and believed that in due time she would start talking & never stop. But sadly that never happened.

A few months after Maggie turned three I contacted Children's Hospital in Denver and insisted that her hearing be tested again. This time they did an ABR (Auditory Brain Stem Response) and the results were overwhelming. Maggie is approximately 70% deaf. I wept when I heard those words. A mixture of relief, fear and sadness. I wondered how I would handle this for all her years to come. I questioned if she had ever really heard my voice and the endless, "I love you" that I whispered to her every night. While I was receiving this news she was still in recovery and in my arms. As I cried, my sweet angel wiped my tears and I vowed in that moment to be strong & to be the advocate she needed me to be, nothing less, not for a minute.

I wish I could say that I was always true to that promise. There have been days of frustration, days where it felt like she would never form a two word sentence. Days where her frustration in trying to communicate has led to temper tantrums. I have watched her try to befriend other children to only be shunned because she could not communicate. My heart has been broken more times than I ever thought I could bear. That pain has kept me going in my refusal to let her receive adequate services. My Maggie deserves the best from a preschool and I was determined she would get it (and then some)!

After many appointments here in Boston, with the world renowned Mass Eye & Ear we know that for the time being her hearing is not degenerating. She is also on an IEP at a phenomenal school where she is on an FM system all day and is pulled out of the classroom four times per week to receive special services with speech therapy and to work with a teacher for the hard of hearing who teaches Maggie how to hear & listen. Another blessing for us during our time here in Massachusetts.

All in due time I tell myself. We will get there. But today there was a moment~ a moment in which all my worries faded away~ a moment where Maggie made me realize that today is all that matters, limited language and all, just love and accept me right here mama, today. It was a moment that sounded something like this. As I was driving and approaching a green light Maggie said, "Green, go mom." As I turned she clapped her chubby little hands and said "Nice job mom."

A moment that taught me to relish her innocence and her "baby talk" and all the joy she lives her life with. Several times a day she will hear a bird chirping, a distant siren or a school bell and she will touch her ears and ask, "Hear that?"

I vow to slow down and hear it all.

Amanda

"I have always thought it would be a blessing if each person could be blind and deaf for a few days during his early adult life. Darkness would make him appreciate sight; silence would teach him the joys of sound." ~ Helen Keller