Fake It Til You Make It

I am literally shaking as I type this, but I am trying to remain as "calm & normal" as possible while Hayden sits nearby & I keep an eye on him. Any attempts to pick up the phone and get support from family and friends would cause him more concern. So I sit here and fake calmness.

My kids have 1/2 days on Thursdays, so as soon as we got home I gave Hayden his daily wheat dose, which has been steadily increasing. We were targeted to be at a full serving in 3 weeks & we have been counting down the days ~ until now that is. :(

We have a scale that tracks any processing Hayden may be feeling. It's a simple 1-10 kind of a thing. 1 means slight itching or tingling & 10 is I am having trouble breathing. It gives me a really good basis as to how to proceed & helps our good Dr determine if he can move up in his dosing. To this point we have had 3 processing issues, once at 3, once at 4 & once at 9. All have been quickly resolved with acupressure "tapping", repeating of his mantra & 1 Alka Seltzer Gold dissolved in 4 oz of water.

But today was the most dramatic processing I have seen & it shook me to my core, but I dare not let him know as I do not want my fear or negative energy to be projected onto him, as this can really effect the process from here on out. So I smile and nod right now & even hum a stupid tune to let him think I am calm.

Moments after giving him the wheat he returned to the kitchen and said "Mom, I'm at a 4, actually a 5." I respond, "Oh, that's ok, let's do our tapping and take an Alka Seltzer Gold, this is just your body processing through the wheat." "Mom, I do not feel well, I'm at a 7 now." Trying not to break down, I say in my calmest, fakest voice I can muster, "No worries, you are just fine, finish your Alka Seltzer." "Mom I can't swallow it, we need to go to the hospital." At this point I am grabbing for the epi-pen in the calmest way I know how & taking the cap off at which time Ava comes in the room screaming "OMG, are we going to the hospital is Hayden having trouble breathing?" You can imagine the fear this instills in all of us. Hayden literally starts to tremble and whimper & I say firmly you either finish that Alka Seltzer or I have to epi-pen you right now. I have never seen him chug anything so fast. As God is my witness, 20 seconds pass and he looks at me and starts to smile & says, "I'm at a 1 mom, I'm going to be okay." & I say in my fake calm voice, "Of course you are going to be sweetie. Let's do some more mantra and tapping." I proceed to say the mantra in a near whisper while I rub his back & he does his tapping. Minutes later he wants to know if we are having lunch anytime soon, because he is starving. Are you kidding me? :)))))

This is such a roller coaster of emotions. And to top it all off our Dr is away for several days.

Trying to time these dosings is the trickiest part of all this for me. Now we are off to guitar lessons and I will smile and act like we are a "normal" family having a "normal" Thursday afternoon. Maybe if I fake it a few more hours I will actually believe we are a normal family!

Amanda